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  • It’s important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, into anal beads and duct tape.
  • ~Chelsea Handler Quote.
Dogs get more presents than cats, because dogs are cooler than cats. Cats are a-holes.
Chelsea Handler, ‘Chelsea Lately’ (via featurescollide)
And now time to address the big black elephant in the room, where’s Kanye?
Chelsea Handler (via sentinmentaltune)
  • It's interesting that you've been waiting to get here because I've been waiting for you for a f*cking hour.
  • ~Chelsea Handler to Sean "Diddy" Combs.
There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.
Chelsea Handler, Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea (via tamakishii)
CHELSEA: So, do you ever milk these animals yourself?REESE: Milk them?! [laughs] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What?CHELSEA: Well, isn’t that why people have animals- to lay eggs or milk them?REESE: Okay. Well. No. I don’t know.

CHELSEA: So, do you ever milk these animals yourself?
REESE: Milk them?! [laughs] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What?
CHELSEA: Well, isn’t that why people have animals- to lay eggs or milk them?
REESE: Okay. Well. No. I don’t know.

  • I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
  • ~ Chelsea Handler
  • "At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer."
  • — Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)
ROSS: Willie Nelson makes me so excited to get older, I gotta tell you. I am gonna be high the entire time. I don’t do pot now because I like—CHELSEA: First of all, it’s not called doing pot, okay? It’s called smoking pot. You either smoke or you don’t. It’s like golfing, you don’t play golf, you golf.ROSS: I don’t do the pot!CHELSEA: A tip of Tiger Woods to you!

ROSS: Willie Nelson makes me so excited to get older, I gotta tell you. I am gonna be high the entire time. I don’t do pot now because I like—
CHELSEA: First of all, it’s not called doing pot, okay? It’s called smoking pot. You either smoke or you don’t. It’s like golfing, you don’t play golf, you golf.
ROSS: I don’t do the pot!
CHELSEA: A tip of Tiger Woods to you!

  • "Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home."
  • — Chelsea Handler
  • "I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around."
  • — Chelsea Handler
  • "Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men."
  • — Chelsea Handler