December 2010
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Ross Mathews Quote:
Ross Mathews: I bet this is the year we all start saying "twenty eleven" instead of "two thousand and eleven". If there's a movement to do that, I'm in.
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Chunk Handler
Chunk Handler: Tomorrow is earth's 6 billion something birthday... Feels like yesterday... Happy New Years.
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Chelsea Handler Quote 31st Dec 2010
Chelsea Handler: i am on way to mohegun sun for my last show of the year. Game on. I want to warn everyone that I have gained at least 10 lbs. Deal with it.
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Many people feel like a one-night stand is something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. I disagree. There are many ways to get to know someone, and my personal favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.
~ Chelsea Handler - My Horizontal Life A Collection of One night stands.
Via: http://chelseahandlerandcomediansquotes.tumblr.com/
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Many people feel like a one-night stand is something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by. I disagree. There are many ways to get to know someone, and my personal favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.
~ Chelsea Handler - My Horizontal Life A Collection of One night stands.
Via: http://chelseahandlerandcomediansquotes.tumblr.com/
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“I’ll tell you what can make bacon better…nothing.” - Chelsea...”
– via http://chelseahandlerandcomediansquotes.tumblr.com/
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If you could set up your dream roundtable for the...
Chelsea Handler: Well, David Hasselhoff, for obvious reasons. Probably Paula Abdul and someone really loud and obnoxious… maybe John Mayer.
via: (http://littlenuggetchuybravo.tumblr.com/)
You’re known for blasting celebs on Chelsea...
Chelsea Handler: I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid [that] they don’t even know I’m saying bad things about them. I’ve run into Paris Hilton and she’s like, “Oh, I love your show.” And I’m like, “You can’t love my show if you can hear.”
via (http: //littlenuggetchuybravo.tumblr.com/)
"Jennifer Aniston makes me laugh. She sends me really, really funny e-mails. She's hilarious and irreverent," Chelsea Handler says of her gal pal, while adding about Jolie, "I'm not a fan. She just doesn't come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you'd really want to avoid."
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Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler Favorite possession: My margarita blender. It’s big. It’s lime green. You have to follow the directions exactly, otherwise it doesn’t taste like it is supposed to. We only have margaritas on weekends, so I know when I hear that sound it’s happy hour.
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Chelsea Handler talks Fitness
Chelsea Handler: "My trainer and me arguing for an hour. He says I’m not dedicated. I say, “I am.” I ask why I still weigh 126 pounds. He says, “What did you eat today?” I say, “Eight turkey meatballs for breakfast.” He says, “You’ve got some real problems.”
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Who’s the most douche-baggy celebrity you ever...
Chelsea Handler: Spencer. Oh wait, that I met? I don’t know. Actually Andy Dick is pretty much a douche bag. I mean, David Hasselhoff too, but I haven’t met him yet. But I’m sure when I meet him he will be.
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“The part that wasn’t a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pibic hair...”
– Chelsea Handler (viahttp://chelseahandlerandcomediansquotes.tumblr.com/)
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“The part that wasn’t a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pibic hair...”
– Chelsea Handler (viahttp://chelseahandlerandcomediansquotes.tumblr.com/)
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“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term,...”
– (via littlenuggetchuybravo)
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"I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it’s because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life".
~ Chelsea Handler
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"Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either".
~ Chelsea Handler
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"Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately starts text messaging her friends, you have a small penis".
Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea"
— Chelsea Handler
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johncaparulo:
Just landed in Ft Lauderdale. Got shows all wknd w/ Brad n Natasha. And slightly less frozen nipples than I’ve had in OH the past 4 days.
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“Chuy, would have sex with Jo Koy? If your whole family was going to be killed,...”
– Chuy (via everythingsruledbyblackholes)
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what’s the secret to your sexy confidence and...
Chelsea Handler: Belve; it’s sugar free, and making my Pilates instructor live with me.
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“Nothings worse than a naked man wearing just socks and having his ding-a-ling...”
– Chelsea Handler. (via littlenuggetchuybravo)
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gleib:
One day left in 2010. I say restart your old resolutions. Much better chance to end the year succeeding at them.
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“I have more respect for somebody who’s like, “Yeah I like to party, so screw...”
– Chelsea Handler (via thomassphelan)
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Chelsea Handler on dealing with family:
Chelsea Handler: "My father has absolutely no social decorum at Christmas meals. He’s usually the first to start eating, hoarding the food like he’s preparing for a famine. And watching him eat is like watching a dryer on the spin cycle….Oh, and he also likes to urinate over our balcony. That’s not something you want other people to witness, especially people who aren’t directly related to you".
In your books and stand-up, you portray yourself...
Chelsea Handler: Probably. But my parents gave me a run for my money. My father is a used-car dealer who rarely sells the cars he buys. So they would sit in our driveway for years at a time, next to piles of old car batteries and flat tires. He’d say, “Oh, these are great cars.” I’d tell him, “Dad, there are no windshield wipers, and the passenger-side door doesn’t open. I’m not letting you pick me up from Hebrew school when I have to climb over you.” He was the perfect role model of what not to do as a parent.
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As someone who has repeatedly mocked Paris Hilton...
Chelsea Handler: Absolutely. If I don’t want to put on underwear because I’m wearing a dress and don’t want you to see the panty lines, I don’t have a choice. I have to wear underwear. If I get caught not wearing underwear, after I’ve made fun of all these girls who flash their hot pocket for the camera, then I’m the asshole. So at least for the time being I own a lot of panties. If necessary, I’ll wear three or four pairs at once just to be safe.
http: //popdynamite.com/
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Keyshia Cole - "When's your nugget coming, Chelsea?"
Chelsea Handler - "All I have is that fucking nugget."
*Chuy laughs*
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Whitney Cummings: @sarahcolonna happy birthday sugar plum! your vagina doesn't look a day over 35.
Sarah Colonna: @WhitneyCummings my vagina just said thank you. In Spanish.
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Chelsea Lately - 12-19-10
Chelsea: Chuy, have you ever been to Neverland Ranch?
Chuy: No, but I love Hidden Valley ranch Dressing
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“You’re not a virgin Mary if you let Joseph enter through the back door of your...”
– Chelsea Handler (via beseengreen)
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“She said her “worst fear is finding out her husband was a woman.” My worst fear...”
– Chelsea Handler, on the woman who was married for a year before she found out her husband was female (via theformalweatherpattern)
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Chelsea: Chuy, would you have sex with Jo Koy if your whole family was about to be killed, would you have sex with Jo Koy?
Chuy: No. Kill me too.
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